feeling like i wasted my youth

28f here. just got out of a 9 year relationship. we were engaged but broke it off before we got married

gonna be a long post so you don’t have to read everything. just want a platform where i can word vomit because i don’t have many close friends to talk to.

let’s call him C. i met C when i was 17, we were in the same orientiation group in jc. back then we were pretty close friends and he confessed to me at the start of j2. i rejected him because i wanted to focus on my studies, and he got together with one of our mutual friends, let’s call her S. during this period of time we drifted as friends, but during a short get-together when we were 19 he told me that he broke up with S shortly after alevels. he told me he still had feelings for me, and after a few months of chasing me we got together.

during our 9 years together i wouldn’t say it was perfect, but then again which relationship is perfect… i loved him and i was happy.

on our 5th year we broke up because i found out that he was contacting S again, telling her that he still had feelings for her, that he was going to leave me for her. S rejected him and came to me with screenshots of their conversations and that’s how i found out. we broke up for 4 months during which he kept contacting me and begging me to take him back.

during this period of time my family was struggling financially and my mum was involved in an accident that made her lose her legs. he chipped in, helping us cover hospital bills, even helping to cheer my mum up and being her emotional support.

i was touched by his gestures and forgave him for emotionally cheating with S.

he made me feel secure. he never reached out to S again, and he didn’t show interest in other girls. when he proposed last year i was thrilled. i really thought we were going to start a family together.

and then he suddenly broke things off a few weeks ago. saying that he couldn’t get over S and he was going to go back to her. saying that he no longer loved me and our intimate life was a disaster. i was mostly in shock and denial, i couldn’t believe that 9 years of my life is just gone like that, but now that i’m starting to realise that he’s never coming back, i feel angry and most of all, depressed.

i feel like i wasted my entire youth on him. he was my first boyfriend. i gave everything to him. my mum really loves him. when she found out that we broke up she was hysterical. she said that i’m 28, and that i’m too old to find love, how am i going to have kids etc etc. honestly i have the same worries. i feel like my youth is gone and now i have to start from scratch at 28. my friends are all married or in serious relationships. i’m clueless and hopeless and i’ve wasted my twenties with him.