I’m a 35 year old virgin and got the attention of women for the first time in my life.

To clarify, I like to be on my own generally, not going out too much and doing my stuff at home in peace. Peace was something I started to lack the more I wanted companionship.

I was a late bloomer, when other dudes talked about women I just couldn’t care for a long time. When I did, I was a bit behind, but nothing too bad.

I worked to make up for it, got fit, dating apps, be more social and meet new people, the usual stuff.

Short version: I never had someone interested in me. I have bad social skills, so it plays a lot, obviously. At restaurants or evenings out, I’m mostly silent and don’t talk much. I’m not ugly, just average, this combined with my lack of words does explain a lot.

At 30, I stopped trying. Didn’t see much point in asking out and dating apps without success. I put the time to use on other hobbies I liked, stopped caring about others except friends, made peace with being a background character.

Not with a snap of my fingers, obviously, it took some time to find a mental balance, have enough of a social life and learn to stifle my libido and desire to for companionship. I have some dreams and goals, I work on these.

35 now, for some reason, I had women ask me out on dates during the last months. They seemed attracted to me, which hadn’t happened before. Sounded like something new and exciting, finally some intimacy and attention.

We talked around dinner I made, she knew my story, I knew hers and her string of bad experiences. She’s nice, we started as friends, but as the talk went on, I clicked that she was lowering her standards and saw me as the safe option to settle. Like I wasn’t good enough for young people, but an okayish plan B for later. Somewhere we made out, undressed, and then she asked me what was wrong.

I felt dirty. I got dressed and told her to please leave to gather my thoughts.

My libido is flaring up now, I don’t like it. People kissing makes me feel a sadness I had gotten rid of, I had a peace of mind and now I feel like I’m losing it.

Thing is, that peace is just what I want back. Not ONS or relationships, even if my libido wants to. Folks my age have grown in terms of relationships over the past fifteen years while I’m still where I was at at 18. We’re not on the same wavelength.

I want my happy introvert lifestyle back and not be bothered by love anymore, that ship has sailed. I didn’t like that experience, before I would have told you I keep the doors open, not anymore.

I needed to get it off my chest, thanks for reading.