This article mentions suicide.

Last year, celebrity hairstylist Chris Appleton opened up about his struggle to let go of the “guilt” and “shame” that he felt about his sexuality after he came out as gay at 26 years old.

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During an appearance on the Just B podcast, Chris, now 42, explained that he thought he had it “all figured out” when he and his long-term partner, Katie, welcomed two children in their 20s. 

Their kids, Billy and Kitty, are now 22 and 20, respectively. 

“I think coming out later on in life — I was 26 — was incredibly difficult because I had two kids, I had a partner I’d been with for nine years, I thought I had it all figured out — everybody else also thought [I] had it figured out,” Chris said at the time. “So when you’re all of a sudden then changing the record, people are like: ‘Well, you must have always known,’ and I didn’t realize I did.”

Chris went on to share that he was “bullied quite a bit at school,” and other children would call him “gay” because he enjoyed hairdressing, adding: “I was, I guess, just determined to prove everyone wrong, but so much that I did myself a disjustice.”

And Chris reflected on this part of his life some more during a recent appearance on Jay Shetty’s On Purpose podcast, where he revealed that he attempted suicide due to the guilt that he felt over his children having “a gay dad.”

On Purpose / Via youtube.com

On the podcast, Chris recalled coming out as gay to Katie first, and then to his family. He said: “Everyone needed to process it the way they needed to process it, and I just had to be respectful of that. You have to let people go through their own grief — I can't control their emotions, nor do I want to. I think it's really important for people to feel and go through the process.”

“But the hardest part was telling my kids,” Chris went on. “And I think mentally, for me, I couldn't really ever get my head around that.”

He then said that he had never spoken about the suicidal ideation he battled with during this time before, but he now feels “ready” to open up.

“My job as a dad, I felt, was to protect my kids... Going through what I went through as a kid, being bullied was horrible. My childhood… A lot of memories are not great ones,” Chris began. “So the idea of bringing that to my kids was really painful… To feel that they would get bullied because their dad was gay.”

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Instagram @billyappz / Via Instagram: @billyappz

“I know the things that kids say, and I know how mean they can be,” he went on. “And I just didn't want them to ever have that shame that was put on me onto them. And in a way, I felt like a disease. I felt like it was like a cancer. I wanted to cut it out of me. I was like: ‘If I could just get rid of that, then I could just be a normal dad for them, because that's what they need.’ I just felt so selfish putting myself first.”

On Purpose / Via youtube.com

“People started to talk, as they do. It was a small town, and me and Kate decided to tell the kids,” Chris continued. “And then I just saw these two beautiful kids who were, like, 6 and 8, and they were just upset because they knew I was upset, and they were confused. And all of a sudden, I just felt like I'd messed their life up, and I felt like I'd failed as a dad because my job was to protect them.”

“If anyone ever hurt them, I would protect them,” he shared. “I was the one hurting them, and I couldn't understand that… I also just couldn't hide I was gay anymore, I was so exhausted from it. So after telling them, the confusion killed me.”

Chris said that after his son asked him if this meant he was going to “change,” he left because he “felt so much shame.” At this point, Chris became emotional as he confessed: “I felt like it would be better for them to have a dad that was dead than a dad that was gay.”

On Purpose / Via youtube.com

He then detailed checking into a hotel and holding onto a photo of his kids as he attempted to take his own life. Chris added: “I rang Kate and I apologized for the pain that I’d caused, and I closed my eyes, and I just thought: ‘This is it. This is it. I won’t hurt anyone anymore, and maybe I’ll stop hurting, too.’”

“The rest was a blur,” Chris recalled. “I remember sirens and stuff, and I just then remember being in hospital, and I could hear voices.’"

He said that the whole thing was “really powerful,” sharing: “I realized I couldn’t hate myself anymore than I had. And I couldn’t try and stop being gay anymore. I’d done everything within my power.”

“So, although it was one of the darkest nights of my life, I think it was a turning point,” Chris concluded.

Elsewhere in the podcast, Chris, who is British, admitted that moving to America was a huge help in relation to coming to terms with his sexuality, as nobody knew him as anything else.

Michael Kovac / Getty Images

“Where I grew up, in the town where people knew me… I didn't feel confident to say I was gay,” he explained. “And if I did, they'd be like: ‘Oh, he used to be… He's got a family. He's got kids. Oh my god.’ There was always this secret, this conversation. It felt like people wanted to keep putting me back in the box.”

Thankfully, Chris is in a much better place now, and has maintained an incredibly close relationship with his kids throughout all of this. In fact, in 2024, he revealed that they’d moved out to Los Angeles with him two years earlier.

Dial 988 in the United States to reach the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. The 988 Lifeline is available 24/7/365. Your conversations are free and confidential. Other international suicide helplines can be found at befrienders.org. The Trevor Project, which provides help and suicide-prevention resources for LGBTQ youth, is 1-866-488-7386.

If you or someone you know has experienced anti-LGBTQ violence or harassment, you can contact the National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs hotline at 1-212-714-1141.