Dad Writes Empowering Thread On Learning To Talk About His Son’s Death

Dad Writes Empowering Thread On Learning To Talk About His Son’s Death

Scary Mommy - News·791 views·2019-11-22 04:34

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Father writes Twitter thread about the loss of his son and why it’s important to keep talking about your grief

Comedian and father Michael Cruz Kayne lost his infant son ten years ago, and this week, he decided to talk about it. Fed up with experiencing people “tiptoe” around his grief and feeling isolated by it, He realized that when it comes to the loss of his son, he’s tired of having to shroud that story in secrecy and sadness. Kayne writes in a 15-part Twitter thread, how there’s more than just the tragedy of his son’s death, how there’s “a galaxy of emotions” involved and how only sharing the sad parts completely erases his son’s complex legacy.

“This isn’t really what twitter is for,” Kayne said at the beginning of his thread, “but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it’s taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time.”

this isn't really what twitter is for, but ten years ago today my son died and I basically never talk about it with anyone other than my wife. it's taken me ten years to realize that I want to talk about it all the time.

this is about grief

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

Kayne wrote that the “conversations we have about grieving are very very weird” because “tragedy is still so taboo, even in the era of the overshare.” When someone has experienced tragedy, they are often met with “tilted heads and cards with calligraphy on them and whispering.” He also said that one of the most isolating parts of holding onto grief is that “we only get to talk about one part publicly: the sadness.”

most of the conversations we have about grieving are very very weird. tragedy is still so taboo, even in the era of the overshare. it's all very *sorry for your loss* and tilted heads and cards with calligraphy on them and whispering. we're all on tiptoes all the time.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

but grief is not one thing, it is a galaxy of emotions, most of which are put in orbit by the loss of someone you loved, and the harrowing (or not) circumstances surrounding that loss. but we only get to talk about one part publicly: the sadness.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

but there is more! some things make me angry: when the hospital prepared us for his death, one of the doctors kept saying "your daughter" repeatedly until I said through gritted teeth "he is a boy".

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

some things make me confused: we cremated our son. how the fuck does that work? like, what are steps one through ten of that process?some things make me laugh: the funeral home handed us a receipt after our son's funeral that said "thank you come again" at the bottom.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

He stated how the stories we tell about trauma don’t leave space to talk about anything outside the trauma. Like, for example, how Michael’s wife became a pediatric intensive care nurse because of her son. “Can you believe it?” Michael wrote. “Being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.” We don’t get to hear these joyful stories when the only stories we feel safe to tell about death are the sad ones.

“I bet you have a friend with a sad story [who] also wants to share the not sad parts,” Michael wrote.

our dead son has a twin, who is very much alive. and he's really just great. and that's crazy too, because the better he is, the more i'm like ahhhhh shit I wish his brother were alive.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

anyway. all of those thoughts, up until recently, have basically been kept to conversations with my (amazing) wife and (fine) family (jk also amazing). and now I want to share them. and I bet you have a friend with a sad story also wants to share the not sad parts.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

my dead son has a legacy already, in my wife, who became a pediatric intensive care nurse because of him. can you believe it? being around sick and dying children all day? healing/caring for them? she does that because of my son.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

and maybe now, a decade later, i'm ready to contribute a tiny bit to his legacy also, with a plea:*ask your sad friend about the sad thing that you never talked about*

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

grief is isolating, but not just because of the sadness. also because the sadness is the only part about it that anyone knows.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

not a single person has ever been unkind about my son, but almost no one considers the fullness of his loss and how complicated and weird and everything else it was and continues to be.having just recently started talking to other grievers, I know many of them feel the same.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

“Almost no one considers the fullness of his loss and how complicated and weird and everything else it was and continues to be,” Michael wrote. “Having just recently started talking to other grievers, I know many of them feel the same.”

ask your friend about the sad thing that you never talk about, and be open to the depth of that experience. one day, and I mean this without grimness or condescension, everyone you know will be dead. it will help us if we talk about it. or anyway it is helping me.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

if you are grieving, you are not alone.

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

fisher daniel kayne forever and ever pic.twitter.com/UVvOiwPZrb

— MCK (@CruzKayne) November 19, 2019

“Grief is isolating, but not just because of the sadness. also because the sadness is the only part about it that anyone knows,” he added. “Ask your friend about the sad thing that you never talk about, and be open to the depth of that experience.”

“I was surprised to reach so many people, but not surprised that so many people had stories they felt like they had kept locked up inside themselves,” he tells Scary Mommy. “I don’t know how much social media can be a healing place for people, but since most of it is a volcano of garbage, it felt nice to contribute something that seemed to help a few people feel a little better.”

Michael concluded his post with this sign-off: “Ask your sad friend about the sad thing that you never talked about,” and also, “If you are grieving, you are not alone.”

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