When I broke up with my bf of 4 years many years back (I was 19), I went onto tinder and met guys from various online platforms to distract myself and to get some form of affirmation that I was still desirable.

I met this one guy (5 years older than me) over a gaming platform and he started to chat with me, invite me for matches, and eventually we developed a friendship. We would meet for lunch like once or twice a week during his lunch break and he would willingly pay for my meal and take the initiative to ask me out.

One night we decided to go for dinner together and we both had a little too much to drink, we did some hanky panky stuff at a park nearby and cabbed to a nearby hotel for more privacy. I was a virgin then, and I wasn’t okay with penetration, other stuff I’m fine, but he forced himself on me. Despite feeling betrayed, it felt good, so we started to have seggs regularly, two to three times a week, up to five times a day. I started to fall for him and kept asking him what was our relationship.

He would hold my hand and kiss my in public, we did everything a couple would do, but he never acknowledged me as his gf. He even told me that he wasn’t looking for a relationship, wasn’t ready for one. But because I didn’t want to lose him, I agreed to maintain our sexual relationship.

Eventually I got tired of this and started to feel disgusted about my behaviour, I was throwing my morals and my whole self away because of my past hurts, so I slowly cut contact and moved on. When he found out I met someone new and got together officially, he called me while drunk and cried about how he misses me and feels like he lost me.

At that point I was angry and annoyed bcos he was the one who didn’t want to commit and made use of me, played me, and now he suddenly misses me?

But anyways over the years, after breaking up w the other bf, I’ve slowly forgiven him because we did have good times and he was very loving to me if u overlook how he used me for seggs. So recently I’ve been missing him a bit and the seggs but I also feel like I shouldnt because it’s disgusting

just wanted a platform to talk about this, none of my friends or family members know about this side of me