Last August, Justin and Hailey Bieber welcomed their first child together, a son named Jack Blues Bieber.

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With the exception of a couple of pictures, Justin and Hailey haven’t shared very much about their baby boy. However, the Rhode founder just talked in detail about motherhood for the first time for Vogue’s June cover, telling the story of her “scary” birth experience.

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To start with, Hailey revealed that her pregnancy came as a “surprise,” admitting that it was “difficult” for her to “wrap [her] head around” at first. “There are certain warnings: Your life is never going to be the same again. It changes in good ways, but it’s not going to be the same. You’re never going to be just an individual without a child ever again. And you’re not going to just be you and your partner, just the two of you,” she added. “There was a lot for me mentally.”

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With so much uncertainty ahead of her, Hailey, who was 27 at the time, threw herself into preparation — not just to feel ready for motherhood, but to prepare her body for the birth, too. “I was on that shit. I was doing everything. I felt stronger physically than I ever had before,” she said. But, unfortunately, no amount of prep could prepare her for the complications that followed.

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At 39 weeks, Hailey was induced when she began leaking amniotic fluid. According to the Vogue story, “the doctors used Pitocin, a medication that provokes contractions, and a Foley balloon, in which a catheter-like device is inserted into the uterus and inflated with saline to get the cervix to dilate.” Recalling the discomfort, Hailey said, “They broke my water. I went into labor, and I labored for a few hours. No epidural, nothing.”

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Baby Jack was born after 18 hours of labor, but the complications unfortunately didn’t end there. After giving birth, Hailey endured a postpartum hemorrhage, which, if not treated quickly, can be fatal. Looking back on the “scary” experience, Hailey said the prospect of dying crossed her mind. “I trust my doctor with my life. And so I had peace that I knew she would never let anything happen to me. But I was bleeding really badly, and people die, and the thought crosses your mind.” While the doctors tried to stop the bleeding, Jack was taken away. “You start to get a little freaked out,” she added. “I wanted to hold my baby. I wanted to be with him.”

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Nine months later, Hailey is thriving as a new mom — although that doesn’t mean she hasn’t struggled while navigating changes. Discussing the “self-hatred” she felt as she came to terms with her postpartum body, Hailey recalled having to give herself “grace” and “time.” “Every day I have to talk to myself, like, Hailey, you had a baby,” she said. “When people talk about ‘bouncing back’—​back where, because my hips are wider, my boobs are actually bigger than they were before. They did not go back. And great, I’ll take it, but it’s not the same body that it was before.”

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Instagram: @haileybieber

“You’re not the same person that you were before. You change head to toe,” she continued. “And I think there was a minute where I kept really hyper-​fixating on getting back to what I was. And then I had to go through that acceptance of, I’m not going back. So it’s really about how do I want to move forward? Who do I want to be?”

I am loving Hailey’s mom-era — and I’m loving this openness and honesty, too. You can read her full Vogue cover here.

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