It was a letter in these venerable pages that invited conversation, both in the comments section and internally in the office; a young woman asking our agony uncle Richard Madeley about the correct etiquette around her boyfriend attending her father’s private members’ club when said suitor didn’t have the correct attire and was uncomfortable at the notion. The father in question generously offered to buy the fellow a suit; debate ensued.

It does turf up quandaries about what dress codes mean in 2025, and whether private members’ clubs perhaps need to move with the times. We’re in an age where men are more casual than ever, suits are a rarity and shirts with proper ties are something of an antiquity. Strangely, the younger generation of men are actually the ones picking up the mantle on this; Tom Chamberlin, editor of sartorial bible The Rake, wrote in March this year in The Telegraph about how Gen Z men were rediscovering tailoring anew. But it’s their fathers (and grandfathers) that are perhaps slacking in this respect.

Tom Chamberlin opts for a sharp navy suit and coloured tie at the celebration of Dunhill’s 130-year anniversary at The Royal Hospital Chelsea, London, in 2023 - Dave Benett

Of course, if you’re a chap who’s opted to pay thousands to be part of a private club, whether that’s the Royal Scots Club in Edinburgh or the fine establishments of Mayfair or St James’s, you’re likely to have studied the rules yourself. Or perhaps you’ve no need; to don a Turnbull & Asser shirt (with double cuff) with your father’s cufflinks, a correct form of blazer, a quietly elegant pair of Crockett & Jones Oxfords is simply intuition, embedded from boarding school onwards and entirely natural to you. It’s the guests that often need a guiding hand.

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It’s a world I’ve navigated thanks to this job’s proximity to the finer things, and done so to varying degrees of success. I’m a member of a hot yoga studio in south London, not a historic institution along the Palladian sprawl of Pall Mall.

There was a meeting at 5 Hertford Street, one of the clubs dotted throughout Mayfair owned by Robin Birley (svengali of swathes of London’s private members’ emporiums), at which I dutifully wore a jacket. Except it was apparently the wrong kind; unlined and unstructured, with white visible stitching against black, it was perhaps too “fashion-y” an iteration. Apologies to Miuccia Prada, but it was decreed by the sentry at the gate that I should wear one of the club’s whiffy old blazers. There’s no greater humiliation, or odorous discomfort, as wearing one of those.

There was the time at Dunhill’s Bourdon House too where, despite being besuited, I was not in a tie. It was 30 degrees, so no, I was not. That’s a dress code hill I’m willing to die on.

Tom Ford styles a black suit and tie at Mayfair’s 5 Hertford Street members’ club, London, this year - WireImage

A quick look through the mores of various clubs reveals varying degrees of formality; the Athenium calls for men in collared shirts and jackets, ties optional until 7pm (no mobile phones to be used, a joyous act of civility if you ask me). The In and Out Club is more complex, decreeing smart casual dress allowed in certain areas, but not others. Smart jeans are permitted, jeans being something of an allowance in recent years – Annabel’s allows them, likewise a Birley Club, providing they are in “solid colour and in good repair” (no fraying or rips) and also permits linen suiting and even round-neck T-shirts, if worn with a tailored jacket. They even green-light “smart, formal sneakers”. What will the old guard say?

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It’s a matter of respect for the institution you’re visiting, and for the member inviting you, says the ever elegantly attired Tom Chamberlin.

“The old gentlemen’s clubs of St James’s are smart places, unapologetically so. This is no different to how Soho House is unapologetically casual. You don’t need to dress up like Bertie Wooster, but you need to comply with a fairly basic, ubiquitous mode of dress. Some places require a full suit, and others have periods where you just need a jacket, collared shirt and be generally smart.”

The In and Out Club, one of London’s oldest private members’ clubs, was founded in 1862 for officers of the Navy and Army - Getty

Is it time, given rising temperatures and the general casualisation of men’s style over the last decade, that members’ clubs rethink the more stringent rules? “Absolutely not,” says Chamberlin. “Interestingly, the introduction of dress codes is a fairly recent idea. In 1888 the National Liberal Club had to pass a bylaw that members must not wear pyjamas in the club, because patrons would come down from their bedrooms wearing them. The men and women who join clubs like this don’t naturally gravitate towards Loewe and Balenciaga as it is, so don’t expect to see any Labubu [dolls] hanging off briefcases in the cloakroom.”

Others do, however. If you’re invited as a guest, it’s about respecting the delicate dress eco system within such hallowed halls, however much an imposition it might seem, or – in a mentality that’s entirely Gen Z – an affront to your personal brand or right to bare arms etc. I’ve found, on occasion, that common sense prevails at the glossy black doors of most clubs; they’re aware that it’s broiling hot and a tie is tantamount to torture. It’s tricky when (for most of us) our days are so varied and more dynamic than the captains of industry of old; mannered, immaculate suiting doesn’t apply itself to an on-the-go lifestyle. Rules is rules however, and it’s rather pleasing that some institutions still enforce them in today’s anything goes, “me me me” culture. It’s understandable if you’re flummoxed by them (as the boyfriend of our young reader was, understandably), but it’s churlish to resist on principle and also serves as a life lesson that certain situations require stylistic tact.

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“Annabel’s is a historic establishment in a modern world, and we invite our members to choose refined and sophisticated attire when visiting the club,” says a spokesman for the famous venue. “Fundamentally, we wish to uphold the highest standard so visitors are encouraged to dress for the occasion, the dress code being an imperative part of the club’s legacy.” This particular lady is clearly not for turning, and who can blame her?

Brian Cox attends a pre-Bafta filmmakers’ dinner party at Dunhill Bourdon House in London last year - Dave Benett

As a perfect vignette to illustrate the point, recently I was lucky enough to imbibe a perfectly ice-cold martini (with a twist) on the terrace of the Gritti Palace overlooking the Grand Canal in Venice, the sumptuous hotel that’s not a private members’ club, but whose sense of scale and grandeur would, one thinks, invite a degree of formal dressing. The location demands it; a matter of respect to the moment and the spellbinding city herself. The sky was a soft lavender, the haunting majesty of the Basilica Santa Maria della Salute looking on like a grand contessa, that particular Venetian playing on the water, La Serenissima’s nightly performance bewitching all who gaze upon her.

Into this magical scene walked a young man looking as if he’d stepped from a Dubai shopping mall, in hoodie (hood up), baseball cap, shorts and trainers and, amid the symphony of her waterways and bell tolls, blaring music on his phone. Not to sound like an appalled Lady Catherine de Bourgh, but it was heinously disrespectful, to the spot, the hotel and fellow travellers. Sometimes dress codes and stringent social rigours are no bad thing.

A quick guide to getting it right

Wear a collared shirt, at the very least

Don a jacket or blazer

Avoid trainers, no matter how smart

Jeans are generally permissible if they’re smart, but blended with more dressy elements

Call ahead and check if you’re unsure