Actually I feel very lost in my life. It seems like I’m getting better and improving as a person over time.

But I feel that I have no direction in life. I also don’t know how to describe this and I also have no one to share with about this. My mom will also not understand this since I have a job already and I am independent enough to support myself.

Yet I feel so empty once in a while. I feel so lost and I don’t know if I’m heading in the right direction. My only guideline is that as long as I am not harming any being, I can be a happy person. However, recently, I just cannot stop feeling lost.

Feeling Lost

I know it will be my fault if I cannot recognize that I have something to feel happy about. I feel that I have too much emotions inside me and I don’t have tools to manage them well. I don’t know why I am just so sensitive to negative emotions and stress. I also don’t able to withstand the stress from work well. My colleague actually encouraged me and told me I’m doing my work well, just that I don’t know how to handle the stress. I actually feel very upset with myself.

For the same job, why other people can adapt so well, but I always have issues with my stress management. Everyone is also very tired from work and also get complaint from parents. I’m not the only one facing it, why is my mind so weak and I don’t have emotional strength to go against it?

I actually feel very lonely. I feel very tired from my work. When I’m with my friends, I feel happy to meet them, but I feel very scared that I have nothing to return back to them.

I wish I can do something good to the beings around me. But I feel that I have nothing good to return to the world, except donating blood.

Mid-life crisis

Other people don’t seem like having problems of dealing with emotions. But I have a lot of emotions inside, and I feel very sensitive to my own and other people’s emotion. It makes me become so quiet when I’m with other people. I think I can work for this job for so long is because it is mostly about interacting with children. I actually feel very uncomfortable with some adults, and I wonder if I’m thinking too much. I have a tendency to keep interpreting their facial expression and body language, this makes me feel very drained.

I feel very tired. I feel that I’m being over sensitive and really think too much with other people’s words. This makes life difficult for me.

And, I hope I can have some joy and peace inside me. Otherwise, I really have nothing to share with my closed one. I don’t know why I just can’t handling my emotion well. It is just one emotion that makes me suffer. I just need to observe and wait for it to leave me.

I really don’t intend to cause any harm for myself. I want to refrain from harming and do as many good things as possible. But my emotion is causing me painful experience. I have very bad anxiety problem when I’m working. This anxiety issue actually results in a lot of negative self talk, things like I’m lousy and ugly, my boss wants to fire me etc. Rationally, I know this is very unhealthy and my negative self talks are all illusion (it doesn’t reflect the reality, I hope).

I feel very anxious. When I’m anxious, I do a lot of running and recently my knees are feeling very painful. I wonder if I should just stop. Either I will exercise very intensely or I will write all my feelings down somewhere else and hope it will disappear once I finish writing it. I really hope I can refrain from harming any being, including myself. Sometimes I get so anxious with my work, I cannot sleep at night and it affects my work on the next day. I could have done it better. This kind of thing keeps appearing in my head. My yoga teacher kept saying that my neck and shoulder are very tight and I need to learn how to relax myself during meditation.

I’m just cannot stop thinking about work before sleeping. I’m very tired and my head is very uncomfortable. I wonder if other people feel that it’s very annoying to be with me. I’m just a normal person who can’t handle stress well and have a lot of complaints with life. I also don’t dare to say it out to other people since I don’t want to be a burden. I can only secretly say it out here online. I hope to bring some joy and peace to the people and animals around me. However, I feel so helpless sometimes, I feel very upset with myself. I feel very tired.

I wonder why I worked so hard in the past. Yet I cannot make myself feel more relax and in peace.