I was plaqued by financial issues and family issues. How am I going to pay for my 4 years of uni?

Despite my unstellar A’Level grades and no outstanding CCA record, I still “shamelesss” applied for scholarship twice and of course I got rejected.

Someone from “inside” actually told me, “ they have enough people with As and Bs, why would they…”

I was lost, I was bewildered. Yes, NS allowance made me feel so “rich”, it was the first time in my life I ever had “so much” money constantly coming into my bank account every month. I don’t know why people keep complaining about cookhouse food. I found them delicious and nutritious, and they are free somemore, till this day I don’t know what’s wrong with cookhouse food.

However, I was fully aware that once I ORD, the allowance is going to stop. Am I going to worry about money 24/7 in uni like I did in JC and sec school? I had had enough! Am I going to survive on bread and $2 chicken rice again? I am not a genius, I need time to study and focus on uni. I would not be able to juggle part-time job and school like some more capable others are able to. How? How? How? I did not dare to think.

I was like an abandoned ship in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, lost. I often look at my life and the world and laugh, what a joke, what a joke, what a joke, why is it so funny. I was so helpless that I was at the verge of giving up of my life. I prayed to God every day every night that I could have enough money to pay for tuition fees and living expenses for 4 years.

Then with a stroke of luck, I somehow won more than S$500,000+.

My life now:

1) I still have S$500,000+ with me. (Yeah yeah yeah, I know, invest blue chip, invest stocks, invest property, buy insurance, yeah yes, good good, there are wonderful ways to grow your money, yeah, 10% return per annum, yeah, 100% return, correct, financial advisors, thank you! Thank you! wonderful I hear you)

2) I pay for my tuition fees. I have no scholarship, neither do I take bank loan. (Yes bankers I hear you: even Zuckerberg takes bank loan for home, yeah you are right, he is a genius I agree)

3) I still don’t go for “recess”. I have not eaten together with anyone in NTU before. The last time I ever bought and ate food (I remember it was S$2 cai png) in NTU was in y1s1, I have not bought any food in NTU ever since, now I am in y2s2.

4) I am still the “unpopular” and “uncool” kids. I sit alone in almost all my lectures. In many tutorial classes I sit alone too. Some people would rather squeeze 7 people into a tiny HIVE tutorial table than to sit with me. The last time any of my coursemate Whatsapped me (not regarding project work) was back in April 2020. The last time any of my coursemate physcially talked to me (not regarding school work) was when I was in y1s1.

5) My cgpa is 4.0. I’m not a genius, I wish I was could be a supper mugger, but I’m not. But still, I do work hard and put in effort into studying and improving myself everyday. I have no URECA or whatever student research programme blah blah. Of course, I never made it into the what you call, what people always say, the Dean’s List.

6) I realize most people are mediocre people. Not everyone is a genius. I am just a mediocre person. However, we should always improve ourselves. If somebody can do a better job, and he gets good grades, good money, we should feel happy, he deserves it. If he can make some invention to improve the world, why not? If he is just cheating his way through, he is cheating himself ultimately.

7) I have become more mature than before. And I take people’s judgement less seriously. If I never did or say anything bad to you and you choose to dislike me. So be it, whatever, you are torturing yourself. I ain’t gonna fix you.

9) Despite all that, I am not a materialistic person, I don’t own any branded clothes, bags or whatever. I have not travelled overseas, not even Malaysia or Indonesia. I am more spiritual than materialistic, like I always was. I believe in God more than ever, if not for the miracle, I don’t know what kind of person I would be now, I might have given up on life, I might be a very different person, I might have been crushed by the financial difficulties and depression. (no I’m not preaching or try to convince you to belive in anything or debate theology with you, I fully respect and applaud your belief or/and disbelief)

10) There are actually more I want to say, but I better censor myself. I know, there will be a lot naysayers. Those who understand, will understand. Those who don’t understand, can continue jump around and not understand.

11) Probably only a very few handful people in NTU can even connect to some of my experiences and feelings. But whatever, those that can connect, will connect; those that cannot connect, you are wasting your time reading (I’ve already warned you in the beginning. I’m not here to make any point, I don’t need a purpose to write in a confession).”