What’s stopping me from leaving?

Sometimes, I ask myself – what is stopping me from leaving?

I’m 35. Dead-end MNC job where I stare at Excel and Outlook daily. Promoted to middle management, which is a hellscape, with out-of-touch helicopter bosses above me and too many fresh graduates beneath me. I have exactly five office shirts, and like clockwork every day, I make my way downtown on the crowded MRT.

Married for three years; we have no children. On busy days, when I come home late from the office, the wife is already asleep, and we don’t say a word. She’s alright. We dated since Uni, and was each other’s firsts. The HDB is almost fully paid for; thankfully, it was not a million dollars. There’s barely a spark in the relationship. We’ve possibly run out of ways to improve each other, and I’m not sure what to do next.

Friends. A few, not more than the fingers on a hand. All average people, some are attached. We meet once or twice a month for drinks, but nothing too fancy. I try not to overspend, and I stay away from alcohol, because God knows I have to drag myself to the office on a Saturday morning.

Vacations. Taiwan, Bali, Korea, Japan. Once a year, maybe twice if we’re feeling like it, apart for the past three years. Not sure what else to mention here. The grind comes to a pause, but the dreadful feeling in the return flight is overwhelming.

I’m depressed, and I’ve sought professional help with two doctors and even tried to rekindle my faith in the church during this time. They’re all good people, but I just don’t think anything is working.

I’ve got approximately 45 thousand in my bank, but not a lot of material possessions. I’ve been toying with the idea of leaving permanently; maybe buy a one-way flight to another country and start anew. A new name, a fresh start. Nothing in Singapore seems to work. I live for a dead-end job, a dead relationship, and I have no spare time. Aspirations I’ve had since I was a teenager never manifested. I’ve always wanted to draw comics, or hike mountains, or visit a circus, or learn aerial yoga, or simply invest in myself.

Like I said, I’m 35. The best time to go might be now. Thank you for reading my rant. I expect to get criticised in the comments but that’s okay. My life now has no colour in it and I have to do this. I think I’ll go for it.