I have been married since 2014. Knew my husband when we were in uni days. Was attracted to him in earliest days as I felt the need to care for him as his family were very disintegrated, and I felt obligated to help him get his family back together.

We were happy in earliest day and I have always put him above my needs. However, over years he had a few close calls with his female friends and eventually I found out he had an affair. Somehow, the screwed up brain of mine helped him to rationalised his affair and I chose to stay in the marriage. Although I knew deep down, things were never the same anymore.

I thought he would learn to cherish me more since the incident but his addiction in games, he’s just very absorbed into his own world and life and many times I had doubts, why am I still in thr marriage.

In 2018, I made the decision that this was enough for me. I wanted a seperation, out of this miserable marriage. That’s when I met J too. He was a colleague from work. Never felt what love can be till I met him. Fairytale? Novelty some may say.. Yeah eventually I went to my husband as he came crying for forgiveness. Soft-hearted, I had to reject J and we broke each other heart..

Fast forward 2019, I was pregnant with my baby girl. She’s a bundle of joy but although it was OUR first born, the whole pregnancy journey felt lonely. I will go to bed alone, waking up at 2am seeing an empty bed. In between we fought too over him wanting to pay for his family car, not sure why the family was adamant about getting a intercontinental car. What’s wrong with a jap model, it’s still a car and serve it purpose. A baby is coming and they still want to spurge. Am I wrong to think for our baby..?

Hell broke loose when baby girl was born. Understand bring first time parent can be unnerving, everyone just told me to be more patient towards him. But what about me? I’m the one that got pregnant, went through all the physical and emotional change and yet I got was temper and nasty words from him. No words of appreciation at all..

Somehow got reconnected to J after baby girl was born. I swear on ocassions I think I almost went into post natal depression but he was there for me. The connection is strong. He read me like a book, again I thought what now that I’ve a kid.. It didn’t wavier his intention of wanting to be with me. I thought I could do it too.. Till guilt gets to me, not because of me having the affair but rather the thought that if I chose to be with him, I will have to divorce my husband and give my girl a broken family.

Does family need to be a father and mother? Is staying on as parents, right for this marriage and for my girl.. While he is trying but I guess all the scars accumulated make it almost possible to open up to him again.

Eventually, J felt it’s better he back out once again and hope that I will find peace and happiness with my husband but what he didn’t know was.. Things are impossible to turn back anymore and I miss him..