I was having a conversation with my partner, one of those things I thought we should at least talk about before marriage, about under what circumstance we would each want to leave the other. She framed one scenario as, if my personality changes significantly till I’m not the same person, and/or she’s not happy staying with me, and/or I’m not aware of her love any more.

Navigating personality disorders is difficult to imagine, but I’ve at least spent enough time in nursing homes with loved ones that I’ve seen thoroughly what a miserable experience it is, and how much joy and love comes with loved ones even spending a little bit of time with these elderly. But we’ve clarified our stances, and it’s clear that if she no longer feels that I can sense her love, she would leave me to be happy. Specifically, that means if I have dementia, she would leave me in a nursing home and look for happiness with someone else.

I have a different take in that even if a loved one can’t remember, or their personality is diminished, or even if they’re bedridden or unconscious, they still deserve love. At least, I would want to still be loved, and not abandoned by those I love and whom I thought loved me when I’m at my weakest, at the very end of it all, and I feel like I would want to give as much to the people I love: to be with them, keep them safe and happy, until the end. Rationally I understand her perspective, but I couldn’t help but feel a sad about her stance, even if it never plays out.

What would you do in such a scenario? Do you think something like this can be rationalized away? This doesn’t change how I feel about her, but I wonder how betrayed I would feel in that scenario, and if I should be feeling betrayed already.

Here are what netizens think:

Yes to the nursing home if it’s necessary.

No to abandoning them.

I didn’t think too much about nursing homes until I had first hand experience caring for a family member who developed dementia and a degenerative neurological disease and then passing away. The last stage was particularly hard. (Before this, we cared for another family member who died of cancer but their cognitive functions were still intact.)

Life wasn’t manageable at all without professional help. We were sandwiched between caring for our young children and our sick family member – not to mention being able to maintain our jobs and taking care of our household.

They could not follow instructions and had bad hallucinations at night. As the caregiver, you really can’t sleep because they can fall or get themselves in a bad situation in the middle of the night. They refuse to shower so you have to help wash them, etc. They lose bowel control so you have to help with that too. It’s like taking care of a baby but the baby is the size of an adult.

Instead of being their family member, you become their nurse. The emotional and physical toll was palpable. Eventually, the disease progresses and you won’t be able to manage on your own and you will have to send them to a home.

In hindsight, it would have been better to have started the transition earlier because they would have had better professional care and we could just be family to them. It was a step-by-step worsening situation over the last 15 years.

All that said, I would not leave them to be with another person. I would visit them often. If I had infinite resources, I would let them stay at home, get all the necessary equipment (hospital bed, medical equipment, etc.), and hire 24/7 professional help. Unfortunately, I don’t. When the time comes (the disease is hereditary), we’ll have to look for a place together.

I would not want this for my spouse either if I were to be in this situation.

I think the most common and reasonable expectation is that your spouse would stay with you and not find another partner. The nursing home is an option if needed. However, you search online, you will find spousal abandonment cases due to serious illness – especially for sick women so it happens.

I know this topic isn’t usually something people discuss before getting married (it should be) but it would be a deal breaker for me. If this is disturbing enough for you, I suggest counseling and consider if you can live with it. It may never happen but if sh*t hits the fan and she doesn’t have your back – are you going to be okay?