My date and I have been dating for close to 2 years. She mentioned that she was a single mum before we decided to try things out. She’s my first relationship. During the first 8months of our r/s, it was perfect. She would come over to my place almost every weekend and my parents really loved and doted on her. Sometimes my mum even mentioned that it seems like she’s gained a new daughter in her life. They very much agree that we can get married following her and help to support us to get a dream use of our own. We decided to come clean with my parents after and I was hesitant to ask her to be my GF despite her signaling that she needed me to ask verbally. In front of family and friends, we would still call each other BF and GF. But something held me back and I couldn’t ask the question as I kind of wanted my parents’ “approval”. I know that if my parents could accept, I couldn’t be the BEST BF for her. It was an internal battle that I have to fight within myself. Nonetheless, I really treated her as GF. I brought her to meet all my friends and relatives. She can check my phone anytime she wants and I’ve been giving her full transparency and access to whatever she wants and needs as she’s quite insecure due to her previous r/s. As for her kids, we hang out once in a while and we are pretty much comfortable with each other. They like me as a fun uncle and won’t mind if their mum would find a ‘new’ man that truly loves her like me.

After breaking the news to my parents, my mother was initially still quite receptive for a month. As a woman, I believe that she can understand and be empathetic given that she’s experienced similar events before. (Cheating and etc) As the months go by, she starts to react differently and act up every now and then. I admit that it was a really complex and sticky situation and I was immature in handling this situation. As a result, my “date” has to compromise on some occasions and I had to make her wait or cancel her because I wanted to maintain a good impression of her in front of my parents. Since then, my GF stopped coming over, we usually hang out outside once to twice a week. The situation with my parents has been damaging our relationship in a certain sense as we do not really get to share a common space and private time together. I am unable to go over to her place either. We are like two homeless people whenever we hang out or date. Sometimes, it does feel terrible that even the basic physical companionship of a relationship cannot be provided. Although, we were much bonded in other ways – daily video calls and etc. Doing work together and all.

There were multiple events in the past where my parents had acted up unreasonably and things became really hard to manage. Sometimes, my GF and I will have to give in. Both of us did hit our boiling point and blew up. My parents and I went through several countless conversations to talk about this issue. At end of the day, the conclusion was that they couldn’t accept the situation of the two kids. They can’t seem to even see things from any other point of view or perspective. When trying to hold an argument they could not even provide a reasonable and sound statement. It will always end up with ” I just cannot accept”.

My parents are traditional and they do not share a loving relationship together. Hence, throughout the past two decades or so, I unknowingly became the pillar of emotional/mental support for the family. It’s like I’ve become their entire world and not part of their world. It’s pressurizing and quite burdensome but they don’t seem to understand what’s the issue here. They have expectations of wanting to live together even when I find a wife or have a family. My mum has some paranoia – she thinks that she’s going to lose a son if I were to move out or marry my date.

At the end of the day, they just simply couldn’t let go and even wanted to use my name to purchase a landed property together. (LOL, knowing that my date and them cannot leave together) They have many excuses like – say is for its investment and my own good but just cannot accept that it’s for their own selfishness. Trying to guilt-trip me by saying things like where got parents beg children to buy property together, I only do it for your own good and why am I wrong? In the past, I would give in as I was brainwashed by this emotional manipulation for years. But now, I would not and the reason is simple, the love you have for others might not be how he/she is receiving. Some love is burdensome and some love can be damaging. I guessed it’s because I’ve been cordoning to this behavior and know I’ve suddenly changed my view and attitude in a 360 degrees manner. For them, they will never reflect on themselves and perhaps even blame my date for changing “ME” not knowing that their attitude is toxic all this while.

In addition, within the family tree, there were no cases of relatives or friends who are in such situations. Which makes it even more difficult for them to accept or even try to adapt to such a situation. Furthermore, since young, my parents have always wanted to stay or have a closely kneaded relationship with me but knowing the situation that I’m in now, it’s going to be hard. A Daughter-in-law and mother-in-law r/s is actually difficult to handle when living under one roof, not to mention living under one roof with another 2 kids who do not share the ‘same blood’. For myself, I always felt that one should live for yourself and not for others. Just because maybe relatives will judge and I will sacrifice my r/s for these ‘potential’ gossips that could cause an irreversible change that would affect my life? Dating a single mum is not a crime. Just because an r/s failed, a woman has to suffer and the bare the full consequences just because they have their kids along with them?

After 8 months of honeymoon and a year of dealing with the ‘situation’, we went through like 4 months of the cold-war period before. I guessed the damage was done. She started to lose confidence in my ability to deal with issues for years and that the past issues are always brought up every now and then. Currently, both my mum and my date are also in a really awkward and uncomfortable situation to even meet up again. Both of them are kind-hearted souls yet the situation has caused this unresolvable conflict between them. My date has never wanted to see me torn between the both of them. She would never want me to leave my family for her or else she will have to be the ‘black sheep’ in the family forever. My mum understood this fact totally, but there isn’t a perfect win-win situation.

Right now, I can still hold proper and deep conversations with both my mum and my date. But either side has to ‘sacrifice’. My date told me that she has already reached her limit regarding the situation and she said that she doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with this anymore. I know that time is ticking and every action from now counts. I went all out during the last discussion with my parents – stating that I will choose my date and we will work on this journey together as one just like any other ‘normal’ relationship. My parents said that they will think about it and a solution but it will not be a perfect one.

My date is now pressing for an answer from my parent’s side to see if we can really move forward in this relationship. We started to go on staycays and plan for oversea trips together without my parents knowing. Quite sad to know that even at the age of 30, simple decisions like this cannot be respected and have to result in lying and hiding. I just want to be a man for her and provide her with the basic security that any woman would want to have with no restrictions – from parents and etc.

Both of us really want to move forward as she is not young anymore and the kids are growing up every year. Minimally, she will try to work on us only if my parent’s response is not an upright rejection. The reason is that my parents will never be able to accept her completely and she has to live accept this and lived with her head held low for the rest of her life.

Any advice from anyone who has been through a similar situation?