I am honestly quite done with everybody I know or met of.

Just some background info, I am 23M studying in computer science and never had a relationship before.

During my secondary school days, I was betrayed and backstabbed by a group of friends which frankly speaking, I deserved it because at that point of time I was the top few percentile and thus despite hiding it, I do have some ego issues where I secretly look down upon them. (Ever since poly however, I met people who are a lot better than me and it humbled me a lot). But this incident regardless haunt me during my first two years in poly until I was able to start letting go slowly.

I tried looking forward, except without any friends nor family to help. Although my family is rather traditional, and my mom has the say in the family. She constantly berate everyone like how my dad is not a good husband (and frankly speaking although he earns lesser but he was IMO a good husband), I am never good enough for her and my two sisters will always be better than me.I constantly endured as I had no one to talk to. I could not tell my two sisters as since young they had always stick together and bully me. Even my mom will side them or remain silent most of the time. My father (despite being closer with me as he understands and feels what the same thing we went through) is not a person I can share with either as being a traditional person, he believes man must be tough. The last time he witness me having a mental breakdown secretly, he berated and lectured me for being weak.

Because of the incident in secondary school, this somewhat caused me to develop a sense of cautiousness where I am more observant and rather accurate at reading people’s character. However, the people I met in poly and university did not really click. In poly and uni, many would spend lavishly or have some weird habits such as obsession of watching porn/hentai. Nothing wrong with watching pornography nor spending more, but I come from a thrifty family where I develop the saving money habit as well. As for watching porn, I admit I do watch as well but not on a regular basis. I am also ashamed of watching it as I regard it as me giving in to the temptation.

I had most of my lunches, dinners alone. My parents also refused to let me move out to the halls available in NUS where they threatened me with suicide claims, stating I am their sole son and thus have to take care of them. I cannot breathe sometimes and when having mental breakdowns, I have to do it secretly. They refused to let me out even at night to have some fresh air or some breather, where they will get physically abusive if I tried to force my way out. As they are my parents, I also couldnt strike them out of respect as well as fear.

As for relationship wise, this is more a controversial topic where I may get cancelled (since this is anonymous however, i will carry on). Despite never been on relationship before, I had crushes as well as went on dates with some girls. For my first crush in secondary school, I was rejected badly after my Os despite liking her for 4 years. I felt crushed and self esteem dropped further when she made degrading remarks stating how I can never compare to even her male friends. Being broken, I decided to have a makeover and to be frank, have a 180 degree change in look. Despite having a glowup, I lost my passion and interest in everything. My grades were inconsistent in my poly and uni sems.

During NS, I was constantly shouted and screamed by the higher ups (particularly my PS). They sometimes make degrading remarks such as guniangs etc when I am physically weak, despite doing my best for everything. I wanted to voice out my anger, but out of fear and in order to adapt, I endured again.

I tried going on dates with people I met online through social media (tiktok, Instagram), through classmates (or classmates’ friends), through clubbing once, through social work and through people that approached me. While I clicked with only one of the many girls (mutually), I decided not to go on further and made it clear to her as she spends very lavishly (where she can spend up to $50 a day and I knew in long term it will be bad as I am in no financial power to take care of her). The other girls ended up in failure however, with many claiming I am not “tall enough” or ” rich enough”. Some were nice however, telling me directly that they are not interested to carry on further. Some were worse, when I tried contacting them after the date, they immediately blocked me where I felt extremely humiliated and used as they could directly make it clear to me. I tried to believe not every girl are not like the ones I met (as I mentioned there is one nice girl I went on a date but we didn’t carry on due to lifestyle habits) but am beginning to lose hope. I read online where people claimed that I look for the wrong places, which perhaps it is except my places are pretty much limited to school, work so frankly speaking I feel I do not have luck meeting people.

I really cannot take it anymore sometimes. It seems I have no one I can confide in. Furthermore, because of society perception and judgement of mental illnesses etc, I cannot seek help in fear of being judged or unfairly treated (future jobs opportunities, relationships, etc). I had deleted all forms of social media, because I did not want to have contact with the many narcissistic, bigoted, materialistic and two faced people I met. I also felt my social media was such a fake representation of myself as despite people pointing out how good or even flawless I look in those photos, I didn’t even have the basic love and respect and understanding received by my family. I do not have friends. I get humiliated by some people I went on dates on. What is the point of keeping a fake representation about myself?

And while not many people may understand how I feel, I hope readers of this post can be more self aware and empathetic to others. To the parents, please do not pin so much expectations and pressure on your children. Or at least give your children a chance to take a breather. To the females out there, I understand some guys are not rich or tall enough for your standards. Nor could we satisfy your demands. But please give some basic respect to us that we deserve as a normal human being. Please do not make use of us, whether it is our feelings or money. To the ordinary people out there, please let go of society traditional beliefs and stereotype judgements. Or at least, don’t hurt others just for your sense of ego.