I met B at the age of twenty. I was a late bloomer and had never dated before. So, when B wanted to be my boyfriend, I agreed.

I even accepted his ‘macho’ attitude thinking it was because of our five year age gap. After a four year courtship, we decided to get married.

Two weeks before the wedding, B told my mum that he had lost a lot of money in a business deal. So, my mum paid for all the wedding expenses. Although B promised to return the money, I found out later that, that was never his intention. Till today, I wish someone had stopped me from getting married then. Unfortunately, no one did or I wouldn’t be writing this now.

Within the first week of my marriage, I started having doubts about B, but he always brushed them aside and said I was overreacting. I grew up in a traditional family and was taught not to air our laundry in public.

So, I kept everything to myself. I thought that he would change and so hoping for a better future, I single handedly serviced the mortgage loan for our home.

I held two jobs to make ends meet even when I was pregnant. Yet, all these were invisible to B. It seemed whatever I did was never enough for him. He always blamed me for everything that went wrong and played the ‘tragic victim’ in front of others.

His friends placed him on a pedestal thinking he was a righteous man while I was the incompetent wife. Even though I was a beautiful person inside and outside, his manipulation affected my self-esteem and confidence. I isolated myself from family and friends. They thought I was just being my usual self, the ‘anti-social’ girl; a common misconception about introverts. So, the change in me wasn’t obvious to them.

I detached myself from all emotions and instead focused on my career. I ensured I made enough to put food on the table. I prioritized his needs just to keep the peace within the family. Yet, B continued being a self-serving and manipulative evil j with no soul or compassion.

He treated me like an ATM and spent all his earnings on booze and entertainment.

Maid and KTV

One day, I caught him initiating s with my Indo maid. The pandora box was then unearthed. I found out that he had affairs with women ranging from mutual friends to the maids in the neighbourhood and KTV hostesses. I felt disgusted that despite having so many flings, he still had s with me regularly. I gathered as much evidence as possible and confronted B.

He denied everything and smashed it into pieces. I picked up my left-over dignity and initiated a divorce. B did not expect that from me. He always thought that I would never leave him and took me for granted. This time he knew I meant it and begged me to change my mind.

When I refused, he hurled insults and blamed me for the breakdown of the marriage. He became violent and threatened to harm me. I had no choice but to file a PPO/DEO against him.

The legal process lasted three years and finally I gained freedom from twenty-one years of soul-crushing hell. Counselling helped me understand that sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way we want it to be. We make mistakes but we must learn to move on. I still wonder where I went wrong. Then, I tell myself that a creep like him will never change and it wasn’t my fault. It was time to let go of the past and heal.

B still harasses me and I have cut all contact from him.

His female ‘friend’ sends me threatening messages with derogatory remarks. Deep inside I know that she is now his next ‘prime grade narcissistic supply’. I could have warned her but the irony is B had squandered away his earnings on such ‘women’ while his own children ate instant noodles. I may forget but forgiving won’t be easy.

B now lives in a rented room and can’t even afford a studio apartment. He has to work for a living and his senior years will be spent in isolation without savings.

His female friend has abandoned him because she has to support her children from previous marriages. He is no longer a good catch at the age of fifty. I believe that the law of Karma is fair and we will reap what we sow.

To all the women out there who are suffering in such marriages, please do not sacrifice your mental peace for the sake of your children. Kids are smart and they sense things.

My teenage son asked me, “Mummy, do you think we will be happy when we find out how much you suffered? Just to keep the family together? You don’t deserve this and you know that.”. And that was my hope for a better future without B.

* Names have been changed to protect family’s privacy.