Whenever I look at myself in the mirror, I say this silently. I thought at the beginning that I will feel guilty or super bad, about destroying someone’s family.

And yes, at the start I felt really guilty and ashamed, scared that karma will hit me one day, and I will die a horrible death. But now if you ask me, I no longer feel that way.

What’s there to be ashamed of? I did not force him together with me, he was the one doing the chasing, and being so much older, he should know better than me the consequences of his actions. And besides, I had actually had his flesh and blood, and when I aborted, it felt like a part of me had died, never to come back again. Of course I don’t go around telling people of our affair or posting on facebook. But I no longer feel like I will get knocked down by a car anytime or struck by lighting for being the other woman.

I graduated from NUS last year. Results were below average, and I only managed to secure a job with a local logistics firm, starting salary of only $2,800. Still, it was quite a miracle that I managed to get to uni and graduate, given my family situation. Dad is in Batam half of the time and gives zero money to the family, and my younger bro just got released from the boys’ home.

Since start of my uni days, I tried to work part time and teach tuition whenever possible, without affecting my studies too much. Still it was hardly enough for our family expenses and the loans my dad had thrown for us to pay back.

I met Y during my internship 2 years ago. He was a senior director of our client. He was 52 the first time I met him, and honestly, he only looks mid-40 max. And for an uncle type, he really looks quite buff and toned. He later told me that he will swim at home every morning before work, gym at least 3 times a week, drinks honey tea and organic soya milk instead of coffee, adopts a vegan diet on weekends and lean meat/low calorie diet on weekdays, and has quit alcohol more than 10 years ago. He even has a personal yoga instructor who comes to his house every Sunday. Life is not fair, obviously the rich have more resources and time to keep fit and stay youthful, while poor people like me slog just to put eatable food on the table.

Anyway, I did not know what he found me attractive. In terms of looks, I’m a 7 out of 10, even with makeup, according to my guy friends. I’m also not particularly noticeable or the centre of attention type, and certainly not your sweet GND type. He told me later that he liked my “attitude”, some kind of arrogance and determination, which he had observed during my presentation to his firm. Many fresh grads he came across acted like “peacocks and models”, thinking that they had made it just because of that stupid piece of paper, and spent almost all their free time taking pictures and selfies and comparing makeup brands. To him, I had character and felt different. Anyway, we exchanged namecards during that first meeting. I was actually quite in awe, an undergrad exchanging a namecard I had made myself with a senior director of a MNC.

Gave her $3,000 a month

He invited me to lunch the following week, saying that he wanted to see if there were any suitable positions in his company for me after graduation. I was so happy. However, not long after we sat down, he said that sorry, he had lied about the true intention of asking me out. What he really wanted was he was looking for something different in his life, he would like me to be his woman, and in return, I will receive a monthly allowance of $3000.

He said that he did not think I am the type who will be easily swayed by money, but other than money, he cannot think of a more direct way of proposing such a thing to me. he’s a straightforward guy and as we are both adults, there’s no need to beat about the bush over such things. He’s old enough to know that there’s no point trying to go after me and talking about love or connection when he’s old enough to be my dad, and there’s no need to waste both of our time. He likes me, and is offering me an attractive sum of money. He made it sound almost like a biz transaction. I was shocked by how direct and straightforward he was, and to be honest, while he’s indeed old enough to be my dad, his approach and attitude is so much more refreshing and mature, compared to the wishy washy ways of guys my age. He’s also upfront with me that he has a wife and 2 twin sons who are in NS. He will be very careful not to let his family find out, and he made it clear that any impact on his family is his choice, nothing to do with me.

Other than sending my bro to the boys’ home with my mother, this was the weirdest experience of my life. On the way back to school after that, my heart was beating like mad. And I was shocked that deep down, my reaction was not to reject him. I thought that will be my first reaction, but no. I just felt guilt and shame, like what if I really became his mistress? I will be destroying someone’s family, doesn’t matter that he no longer loves his wife or whatever reason. Will bad karma hit me? Will I appear in the news if someone found out? Will bad things happen to my family? Ultimately, I thought of my family’s financial situation, and the $3000 every month was just too good to turn down. And it will mean that I did not need to work part time anymore and can concentrate on my studies during my final year. And he seemed to know what he was doing. Of cos I knew what this mean also. But having lost it to my ex, it didn’t matter that much anymore. 4 days after that, I just texted him “ok”.

So began a very strange part of my life. It really felt strange. Having a “boyfriend” who’s old enough to be my dad, receiving an allowance that’s as good as a starting salary, and still in school. To be honest, he’s a real gentleman towards me. He knew that I had to concentrate on my studies during the final year, and we would only meet 1 – 2 times a week at the start. He would sometimes fetch me to and from school or bring me out to lunch. To avoid attention, he would fetch me in his Toyata instead of his 2 other cars (an Audi and Merz). Some weekends he will bring me golfing at Keppel Club. He bought a golf club for me and taught me how to play. Though I must admit I wasn’t that interested. He brought me to places which I hardly go myself. There was once when we even went to johor for horse riding. I could tell that he was being careful in the places we went to, and he choose places which are not your usual crowded places. During the first few “dates, we were like a couple on a blind date trying to know each other, and the mood was quite awkward. But over time, we got more comfy with each other, and he started sharing with me more of his private life, such as his collection of Chinese calligraphy paintings and how he quit drinking more than 10 years ago. He never talked about his family and I never asked. Gradually, I opened up and confided in him about my studies, my broken family. Slowly, he felt not so much like a “boyfriend”, but well, a caring dad who I never have. He never showered me with expensive gifts, not that I wanted anyway, and most of the time we just went to explore more “ulu” places in spore, or just cruised along in his car. I felt that he just wanted a companion to pass time with him.

The did not start until the 6th month. We will do it in Fullerton bay or ritz carlton. He will always book one of the highest rooms facing marina bay, and he will me in full view of the bay. He does not like MBS cos he thinks it’s too crowded. Sometimes we will do it in boutique hotels. Once we did it on the water bed in hotel re near chinatown area. He was surprisingly strong for a man his age. Or maybe I shouldn’t be surprised given his exercise routine. I felt that it wasn’t so bad after all, and it certainly helps that the $3000 arrives on the dot every month. Not directly in my bank account, but cold hard cash in an envelope that he will pass to me in the car. My mum’s cpf account was running low, so this money is just nice for our hdb loan. I was graduating soon and could finally earn my own money. I told myself I will only do this for another year or so, to use the extra money to build up a bit of savings. I don’t know when he wants to this, but I know that I will let him know when the time comes to call it quits.

Bad karma really hit me. I had just started on my first job last year, and we went on a weekend getaway to bintan. He had always used rubber, but that night, he asked if whether I had just ended my period, and if he could do me raw. I thought that since my period had just ended, the risk should be very low. I had tried it with my ex a few times and there was nothing. I agreed not to use rubber just for that night.

And then the following month, I missed my period.

I never thought this could happen to me. The week after my missed period, the test came back -ve. A few days later I repeated the test. +ve this time. I went and bought 3 more test kits. All +ve.

I texted him. It took him unusually long to reply. When it came, it was simply: Unless you are thinking otherwise, I will help you make an appt with a gynae. I know of a few very good ones. I will go with you.

He was right, there was no way I could keep the baby. And he was also right in that I have character. While deep down I felt like dying, I knew that I had to get this over and done with as quickly as possible. Not for me all the crying and self pity and blaming him for this and that.

He made an appointment for me on a Sat, and after the consultation, I watched a video on the risks of abortion etc, a so called pre-abortion counselling that everyone has to go through. They did some scan on my abdomen area, and told me I was about 6 weeks pregnant. I saw a speck on the screen that was supposed to be my pregnancy sack or something. I did feel guilt at that point, but there was no other way. We went back on tues for the actual abortion, and it was over in one morning. I didn’t really feel anything, just numb, a little sad, and also rather relieved that it is over. He said that it was ok if I did not want to meet for the time being, if I needed time by myself. He will just slot the money in my mailbox and text me to collect.

For the next few weeks, I fell into a deep funk. I thought I was going to be okay, but that image of the speck on the screen kept popping up in my head. It’s a life that was actually growing inside me, I thought. I started to feel lost, and really sad. A part of me had died, and it’s not coming back again. Will I be able to have children again? What if bad karma hits my future children next time? I can’t really rem the next few weeks, and I even skipped the post-abortion appointment with the gynae. Sometimes in office I will go to the furthest toilet in the building and cry to myself. It’s a good thing that my cubicle is located quite far from the other colleagues. Y kept to his word and kept his distance. For that few weeks he did not contact me except for a text that he will be slotting the money in my mailbox that night.

Eventually we did get back together, when I was feeling better. He brought me to Bali and promised no this time, just a getaway to do whatever I want. For the first time in my life, I tried snorkeling. The water was surprisingly clean and shallow, and there were so many different types and colours of fish down there. And yes, it did cheer me up.

We are still together now. it was only recently that we resume, now always with rubber. He read that there might be a infection risk if a woman has too soon after abortion. The 1 year deadline I set for myself has passed. Am I ready to call it quits? I’m not so sure anymore. I guess he’s probably mentally prepared for me to do so, but won’t say so. I don’t consider myself a homewrecker now. We are all adults and accept the risks of what we are doing. Yes he did cause me to have an abortion, but other than that, he has been a real gentleman to me. He’s like a part boyfriend, part dad who shares his life experiences with me. Whenever I needed help or someone to talk to, he has always been there. I have been so called the main pillar of my family since JC, been forced to grow up much faster than other girls my age, and for once, having someone I can rely on, for money and emotional support, it feels different. It feels good actually.

Am I ready to call it quits? I really don’t know anymore. Maybe a better way now is to see when he wants to call it quits.