Tired & lonely from secretly narcissistic husband

I have been depressed. I had given up in confiding or telling somebody, because people would hardly believe me as he has created such a facade of Mr-perfect-husband to the outside world.

He is charismatic & humorous, just about how he managed to fool me for a very very long time. Behind closed doors, he has anger issues, he would always act like he’s the victim whenever I raised my concerns of the relationship or wanted to break up with him.

He would always roti prata, turn the table around, making it my fault for making him angry for voicing my concerns at the wrong times. But eventually, no time is a good time always, he would always have various kinds of excuses at various phases.

At worst, he would threaten to self abuse or kill himself if I were to leave him. Young & naive, i genuinely feared for his safety & at times felt guilty about his self harm that ultimately i stayed on & on, compromised my own boundaries, tried to make him happy & tried to make this relationship work…

…until eventually i found out about his endless cheatings throughout our whole relationship. My world views were shook to a whole new level. To put it into perspective, he had even the audacity to visit hookers while we were on a vacation together, just because we quarrelled & got separated from each other for half a day. And the “justification”? “I made him do it cuz I made him so angry, he even scolded me upside down for leaving his side & saying that this is the consequences I have to bear for leaving him alone. Twisted max? I am held responsible for his basic humane integrity? As disgusting as it already is, turns out, in the past, whenever we had cold wars, (or even when we dont for a matter of fact) he totally used the time to repeatedly cheat with hookers – it is nothing new to him. I am being isolated in my groundbreaking revelations. I feared for my health as it’s clear he doesnt give a fk how his actions might impact others.

All this disgusts me on a daily & nightly basis. We had multiple showdowns which were nothing but disastrous & that which cannot be gone through again – I am trying to stay afloat for my 3YO. My heart aches upon the thought that he/she will not have a complete family if I could not continue to hang on tight. I know many will say kids rather have separated & happy parents rather than be around forced & unhappy parents. In harsh reality, I will be the condemned one as nobody would even come close to understand what a monster I am living with behind closed doors. They will think im making a fuss since Im always more real in expressing my true emotions (which they wont ever understand where im coming from) while he is heavily concealed Mr Nice & Smart.

I have heard many estranged couples are continuing staying together for their children’s sake but living in separated lives/room. I would like to hear some views on how such arrangements panned out eventually.. is it really workable in the long run? As you can guess, he is a good actor for his facade, I can do my part in the acting too. It is depressing…… but breaking up a family is easier said than done.